The emotional toll of teaching is the intangible killer of joy for most of us in this field. It is the part of our calling that no one sees, nor understands. It was the part of the responsibility that had me locking myself in the staff bathroom and crying uncontrollably because several students came to me in the first 3 minutes of walking through the door revealing they had a cutting pact. It was the part of the calling that rendered me so helpless at times that I had to take mental health days disguised as sick days because of everything students brought to me on a constant and consistent basis while dealing with an organization that was completely apathetic to my emotional and mental health. This led to a slow and steady deterioration of my happiness. The emotional toll of teaching at kcc negatively impacted me more than any other school I have ever been associated with. The emotional and mental wellness of teachers at kcc was not a priority. The more I brought it to the attention of the administration and district staff, the less concern they showed. If I had to guess I would imagine that the emotional toll of teaching pushes many of us to leave the field more than any other factor - it certainly was for me.

The "Popular" Teacher

Being the most “popular” teacher in a school of 220 children meant that almost every problem - no matter how big or how small - came to me. I use "popular" humbly and take nothing away from most of the other teachers I worked alongside. Most of my former colleagues were solid educators. I did not teach a single sixth-grade student - but students were told by their friends and siblings (as well as other teachers and school officials) that they could come to me with anything if they had a problem. That created a constant stream of students in and out of my room.

When students were depressed, they came to me. When there was an unexpected death in the family, they came to me. When students were at odds with their parents, they came to me. When they were at odds with another teacher, they came to me. When they were sad and anxious, upset - and everything in between - they came to me. Other teachers regularly directed discipline issues my way, unknowingly adding to the emotional toll of my position. The administration directed teachers to send their most difficult students to me for intervention. Administrators sent children to me they could do nothing with at all. It was the emotional burden that children brought to me consistently that began to wear on me in a very real way. Unbeknownst to most parents, yet obvious to most teachers, many students come to school feeling broken. Many are broken. Whether they are struggling with suicidal thoughts, cutting, depression, insecurities, low self-esteem, and (in rare cases) abuse, they come to me.

Whether struggling with their own identity or their mental health, teachers find themselves comforting more children and playing the role of a guidance counselor, therapist, and parent probably more than any other role. While I am trained in cultural competency and culturally responsive teaching methods and possess a degree in psychology, kcc offered just ONE training on mental health preparedness in two years. The training was one of the worst in my 13-year career. I stopped paying attention when the facilitator asked us to create a cheer for the letters “ALGEE” - suicide prevention acronym). We were asked to create a cheer for the prevention of suicide. A cheer. Suicide. I straight up told the trainer that I would not be employing any of the things she suggested because I was not comfortable with it at all. I had some training. But most teachers have none at all.

I would regularly refer children to the guidance counselor if for no other reason to relieve me of the burden of so many children. By November of 2019, I had become so overwhelmed with my regular teaching load that it became too much. Many students expressed their discomfort and dissatisfaction with the guidance counselor. The counselor herself expressed discomfort in connecting and communicating with Black children specifically. Students complained of the guidance counselors’ inability to remain objective; they would bring their problems to me because they felt that I would present a more just perspective. Many of them brought some very heavy things to me and my question would always be, “Are you comfortable with talking to the guidance counselor?” Almost all of the time, the answer was no.

The Unity Circle

To better help me deal with conversations students were not comfortable with having with their parents or the guidance counselor,I started instituting a type of restorative justice practice in my classroom. I have used Restorative Justice Circles in my classroom for the past 13 years and I can honestly say they are the foundation to my success as a teacher. For the first 30 minutes of each class, we formed a circle and I sent a “talking stick” around and would pose just one question:” How are you doing?” These restorative justice circles became therapeutic for students. I would caution any teacher to familiarize themselves with restorative justice practices as they require a certain level of whole class maturity for them to work. Teachers must foster an environment of trust, love, empathy, support, and affirmation from the first day.

Most of the time, If I had to guess, I’d say 90% of the time, it was typical teenager things; girlfriend/boyfriend drama, disagreements and disappointment by/of family and friends, and small disputes that more often than not were settled in the circle. But every so often, a student would open up and share a very real struggle. Some days were heavier than others. Some days, no one would share a word. Then, on other days, 10 children could all be crying, releasing themselves from whatever emotional baggage they brought into the classroom. The Unity Circle allowed students to see that some of their classmates were going through many of the very same things that they were. So many of these Unity Circle sessions would end in students hugging each other and crying and telling each other everything was going to be okay and they were not alone.

These circles were healing. So much love and support came out of these circles. Brotherhoods, sisterhoods, and friendships were salvaged, repaired, strengthened, and redefined in these circles. I rarely spoke - mostly hugged and consoled and acted mostly as a facilitator. I would often connect these conversations to lessons on coping skills reminding them to keep negativity at arm's length. I always reminded them that love was the answer and that everybody was going through something. The Unity Circle was my greatest teaching tool.

I was discouraged by the director, the guidance counselor, and the IB coordinator to steer away from having these conversations in my class even though neither the guidance counselor nor director ever bothered to observe my class during these exercises. I ended up doing The Unity Circle with the entire Teaching staff who saw the benefits of it. Teachers and administrators were crying - deeply moved by one another’s struggles and strengths; It was one of the most empowering professional developments I had ever been a part of and it ultimately made me commit to kcc at least through the end of the school year as I had tried to resign from twice at that point. The Unity Circle or some version of it was adopted by other teachers throughout the entire school.

I was told that by opening myself up to these conversations that I would be jeopardizing my license and that because I was not "qualified" to speak on such things; I could get sued by parents. But what was I supposed to do? If children were not comfortable with talking with their parents if they were not comfortable with talking to the guidance counselor, what was I supposed to do? The Unity Circle was put in place because children were not receiving adequate social-emotional or culturally-responsible care from the guidance counselor and I could not manage the workload of doing both her job and mine. The Unity Circles also served as an opportunity for children to show empathy., practice forgiveness, confront problems, and learn to listen with compassion. The Unity Circles were the only way that I could still teach and service children by giving them the social and emotional support that they needed as best I could while still serving in the capacity of a teacher.

Students complained to me about the guidance counselor’s apathy as well as her inability to understand where they were coming from as well as her inability to relate. At the beginning of last school year, I conducted a small-scale survey of 8th grades to gauge student comfort level with the guidance office and administration in general. On a scale of 1-4 with one extremely uncomfortable and 4 being extremely comfortable, students were asked to rate their level of comfort. An overwhelming majority of students chose 1. Several students put "0" and only 1 student selected a 3 (the highest level of comfort recorded). The survey revealed that out of the director, assistant director, and guidance counselor, students were the least comfortable with taking their problems to the guidance counselor.

Students expressed that they felt singled out, and some reported as feeling like the guidance counselor never had their best interest at heart. The guidance counselor herself came to me seeking assistance on how to talk to and relate to Black children. She would warn me against having these “inappropriate” conversations while consistently sending Black and Hispanic children to me for check-ins. Those “check-ins' ' absolved her from the responsibility of having to service those Black and Hispanic children while at the same time still allowing these children to receive some type of support. She told me not to speak about suicide and then asked me to be on a student’s suicide prevention team. She warned me against speaking about the topic, and then used me and 4 other Black children to put on a play for the entire school about suicide prevention. In the the play, I played myself; one of the premises of the play was a student was struggling with suicide and they came to ME. The play reinforced the idea that if a student was struggling with suicide, they could come to me. Cutting and cutting pacts were a huge problem on this campus. Yet, I could not address this topic in my class despite the guidance counselors' inability to address it.

Further complicating matters, the guidance counselor emotionally manipulated me into serving on a student's suicide prevention team after admitting that the assistant director "screwed up" the student's threat assessment. She did not explain how but told me this literally minutes before I was to meet with the student's parents.

Demoralization

The concept of demoralization is a fairly new term in education that describes the feeling teachers experiences when the systemic pressures of the position lead to a depletion in self-autonomy. In other words, the mundane stresses things they go beyond actually instruction delivery time went on, the emotional toll of teaching slowing began to demoralize me. I found myself losing the will, power, passion, and drive to get up and teach every single day. The constant feeling of falling short while always on the defense Demoralization came in many forms:

• A parent confronted me about her son correcting her when she used the term “Fucking nigger” in the home while watching tv. This was a very jarring conversation that ended up being one of the most enlightening of my career. However, it took me some time to process it all). Yes, you read that right. A white female asked me why the term “fucking nigger” couldn’t get used in her home. Other examples of the emotional turmoil and demoralization brought on by teaching:

• My lights were turned off every month from January 2019 to May 2019. Coming home to no power after dealing with that school all day was among my lowest points in life.

• My rent eclipsed my total two-week paycheck by almost $100. I was the epitome of paycheck-to-paycheck. There were weeks of nothing but peanut butter and jelly or rice and beans. There were multiple weeks where I had to make $10 stretch a week for groceries. I would cook a big pot of rice and beans or spaghetti on Sunday night and eat it for lunch and dinner for the entire week.

• I was sent an email by the administration telling me to take care of an urgent matter with my teaching eligibility (RECEIPTS). I made all of the arrangements to go and take care of it in Tallahassee and followed all protocol in requesting time off to do so. on that very same day. Upon my return, the administration verbally reprimanded me for not forwarding the email receipt of the PTO request to them (it was another policy these people made up as they went along). Outside of teachers having to formally request PTO, we were also required to create our lesson plans (typical), find our sub (not typical), and create split lists of all of our classes if we did not secure a sub (not typical). Despite doing all of those things (RECEIPTS), I was verbally reprimanded for not emailing the receipt of said PTO request because the admin got “so many emails and it just made it easier.”

• I was reprimanded verbally and in writing for not submitting substitute plans even though I emailed 3 sets of plans to the assistant director and IB coordinator and left a hard copy of my plans in my substitute binder in plain sight. Rather than offer apologies for wrongly reprimanding me, the director then insisted that my plans were inadequate because all I did was "plan for students to go outside.” Had she bothered to read past the first sentence of the plans, she would have seen that I left several alternate assignments and going outside was contingent on whole class performance, a warning and reward system, and at the discretion of the substitute. It was her selective attentiveness at play yet again. Those plans were T H O R O U G H

• Consistently being singled-out, reprimanded, and over-policed by the administration despite being the most statistically successful teacher in the building and having the least amount of problems coming out of my class.

• The guidance counselor sent out an email (receipts) asking teachers to check in with a student whose grandmother had passed. The only time I had to check in with this student was my planning period (My planning period belonged to the entire school and any Black male teacher can explain to what that means). I missed that meeting with the ESE coordinator because I was comforting a student who had just lost his grandmother. The administration then verbally reprimanded me for missing the meeting. This meeting took place weeks after she (ESE coordinator) berated me in front of the assistant director and I still was not comfortable meeting with either of them.

• I was often told by this administration to stay away from difficult discussions in my classroom yet, this administration either directly sent students to me or indirectly sent them by advising other teachers to do so.

• The IB coordinator had, on several occasions, burst into my room without warning. She has taken over my lectures as I was talking. Once, she ran into my room during the middle of a “unity circle” (the entire school knew the sacredness of those moments in my class - they are key to the culture I built). She started using the room phone as if I was not in the middle of a deep discussion with 22 children.

• On another occasion, I was having an emotional discussion with my 8th-grade class last year. The anxiety of high school, their friends, starting 9th-grade them in their feelings. While the children were sharing their struggles, the IB coordinator walked in and randomly started calling students out in the hallway for something she needed. No "excuse me" or explanation. Just a deadline that she was pressed about. After about the 5th disruption, a very upset student bluntly asked the IB coordinator, “Can this wait?” She coldly told the student “No,” and continued to disrupt my class. The matter was not pressing - at all. The disrespect of my classroom was normalized. More on this later.

• I was often told by the administration to stay away from controversial topics such as suicide, religion, mental health, and race but was secretly referred to by Black students because the guidance counselor was uncomfortable with speaking with them about certain things. In other words, I was told not to do something - but was directed to do it because this administration either did not want to or did not know how to do it.

• When the guidance counselor tried to get information out of a Black student who was uncomfortable talking to her, she told the student “It’s fine if you don’t want to talk to me about it. You can talk to Baba Eric if you’re more comfortable.” The guidance counselor admitted this to me. The week prior she told me to stop having these conversations with students and instead send them to her. This created a wildly uncomfortable environment for me.

• While my requests to have difficult students disciplined were ignored, the administration approved for a teacher to have a Black male removed from her class for “giving her dirty looks.” The guidance counselor approved this transfer with knowledge of the reason why.

• Once being told (and keeping in mind the circumstances I was hired) “I like you but Mr. C…..” was my friend,” referring to the former Individuals and Societies teacher.

• Having very limited transportation and being forced to train between multiple campuses for professional development before the start of the school year. Some times, we would have to be on more than one campus in a day. It was not always as simple as “jumping in the car with somebody.”

• Being told that taking problems to the district and the superintendent was inappropriate and to keep them out of the day to day things happening with the school, even though the district purposely built their office into the school while simultaneously discouraging teachers from speaking to them and maintaining a general disinterest in the forward advancement of the school. More on this later.

• When I tried to resign from my position in August due to the financial strain of working at this ‘school”, the director told me to consider getting a roommate. I told her that at 32 years old, I felt I had earned my right to live alone. I had a stressful job and enjoyed coming home to peace. She then told me to consider securing a second job - even though I averaged 50-60 hours a week the previous school year. I reiterated my previous years’ workload and refused to get another job. She then told me that I was “too rigid in my beliefs.” Because I loved my students, at 32 years old, I got a roommate. I also began looking for a second job even though I averaged about 50-60 week the previous school year. More on this later. She asked me to consider moving an entirely whole person in my home and taking on more work on top of my full-time job. I did what she asked. This was on top of agreeing to the position of Dean of Culture

• Having multiple emails about compensation and growth for opportunities ignored while being promptly notified about meetings I missed that was attended by more than 40 people. (RECEIPTS).

• Being told my PTO would be denied after losing our patriarch suddenly and being told that “11 days should be enough time to process your grief.” This was a direct quote from the director. I would be expected back to work after that. This same administration told another teacher who had lost a family member a few weeks later to“take as much time as you need.” This too was a direct quote.

• When asked by the district staff how I could best be supported, I told them of my transportation insecurity and the $25 a day it was costing me to just get to work one-way. Their support? Prayer.

• Being told that my “tone,” “personality,” and “delivery” were negatively received even though I had a strong rapport with students, parents, and all but one teacher on staff. I experienced the inability to speak up because doing so always offended or rubbed someone the wrong way.This made self-advocacy extremely difficult and I believe was a result of my gender and race. More on this. Several kcc staff administrators including the bookkeeper and other campus directors (Not KCC Prep) regularly sent emails that were rude, condescending, disrespectful, and unprofessional. The bookkeeper had to be checked over her disrespectful emails by teachers and staff. Yet, those white women were allowed to communicate how they saw fit and without recourse.

• Being characterized and framed as aggressive, threatening when this was not the case at all. The director went out of her way to ensure that I would be arrested, humiliated, and never taught again. More on this later.

• During the Hurricane scare in September 2019, I had no money, my cell phone was off and had very little food and water. It was nothing but sufficient grace that kept that hurricane from hitting Tampa. I spent the entire weekend in an emotional state of panic because I had no clue what I would do if the hurricane made landfall. The week prior, I had to take a “mental health” day because I had no money and absolutely no way to get to the "school" to teach.

• I was reprimanded for taking personal days. Every single time I took a day to myself in two years, this administration admonished me. I took 5 personal days in two years to myself. I once told the admin that I was in no condition to come in because of my current mental state - the week before the hurricane hitting. I had no food the night before and had no way to get to work the next day and had a complete meltdown over the state of my current condition. The assistant director responded to my crisis: “next time send your email earlier in the day so we know what’s going on.” This apathy as it pertained to me would go on to characterize their leadership.

• Watching this administration give a female teacher a week off to “collect herself” who had become overwhelmed with the stresses of teaching and her personal life. I expressed on numerous occasions to the director, assistant director, and guidance counselor about the constant emotional strain and mental health issues my role in the "school" was causing me. My pleas were largely ignored and met with expectations to do even more.

• I was told by the assistant director that my workload was no different than anybody else’s workload and that I was expected to adhere to the same deadlines even though my workload CLEARLY outpaced every other teacher in both buildings except for the PE coach (He and I both served in the capacity of teachers and administrators. He serviced both the elementary and middle school while I serviced the middle school only).

• I was berated and insulted when I asked for an extension on ESE paperwork. I do not use those words lightly. The ESE coordinator canceled a previously scheduled meeting I had with the IB coordinator (She had no authority to do so ). She then scheduled a meeting with me and the assistant director despite the director's ban on "impromptu meetings." More on this later.

• In that meeting, I was insulted, berated, and disregarded by the ESE coordinator all in front of the assistant.The ESE coordinator became aggressive, raising her voice and pointing violently as she hurled insults about my inability to meet her deadline. In this same meeting, I expressed to the ESE coordinator that at least 3 teachers came to me to express their dissatisfaction with the level of services she was providing our lowest-performing students. She repeatedly cut me off in the meeting, talking over me, pointing aggressively, hurling insults - all while the assistant director sat silently allowing it to happen. When I asked the assistant director to intervene, she ignored me and allowed the verbal assault to continue. The experience to this day is among the low points in my 13-year career. All of my career low-points have come from this “school” at one point or another.

• In a BIZARRE turn of events, the ESE coordinator denied my request for an extension with the approval of the assistant director and then went back to her office an hour later and sent an email explaining her rude, terrifying, and threatening demeanor as being “flustered.”(RECEIPTS) She then proceeded to present the very same deadline extensions I had offered up just a few minutes earlier. Anyone reading that email would have no idea what was said and done to me in the presence of the assistant director. It was the most violent meeting I have ever been a part of in my career. I honestly feared for my safety.

• When I confronted the assistant director about her indifference to my treatment by the ESE coordinator the following week, she insisted that I was overreacting. Emotional gas-lighting was a staple of this administration - I was constantly made to feel like my actions were wrong and those happening against me were correct. She over exaggerated my role in the conflict and downplayed the ESE coordinator’s role. I was gaslighted to believe I was in the wrong when I remained calm throughout the ordeal. I swear to all whose eyes can read this: I never raised my voice in that meeting. What do I look like raising my voice a two white women in a "school" - with an armed guard? I sat there and observed the ESE coordinator’s abuse with my legs crossed. I simply answered everything she said with “okay.” The assistant director tried to convince me that I was in the wrong and had no recollection of the ESE coordinator’s wrongdoing. She (The assistant director) later apologized for her behavior and lack of intervention.

• Having what little power, authority, and decision making I had stripped covertly, I did not realize the toll it was taking by being demoted from Team Lead and appointed to the fictitious position of Dean.

• Being told by the IB coordinator that if I didn’t finish my IB authorization binder for our accreditation visit, we would not be authorized for IB. That night, I went home and had my first panic attack in 10 years. I woke up in a panic attack and had another one on the way to work. I had one in my classroom and again in the staff bathroom during the breakfast meet and greet with IB officials. I had what would be my longest panic attack in the guidance counselor’s office a few minutes later that lasted nearly 30 minutes. This was the after the Homecoming dance debacle. More on that later.

The IB Process

The emotional and mental toll of teaching was front and center during the entire IB process. The IB coordinator was a major source of the emotional and mental stress that came with teaching at kcc. It was also the nature of the grueling accreditation process and the school’s approach to the IB process that created the circumstances of how the IB coordinator operated-in a constant state of mania, panic, grief, anxiety, and despair. The IB coordinator was often preoccupied with other things, she would have conversations with me, and then she would forget what we talked about in mid-sentence - this made meetings extremely difficult with her. She was a sweet, sweet lady who even brings me lunch some days. Still, I wonder in retrospect if she did this because of the conditions she inflicted on me.

She would tell me not to worry about a certain section of my unit plan because she or an assigned representative would take care of it or it wasn’t necessary altogether. A few days later, she would turn around and report me to the administration for not having my paperwork completed - paperwork she insisted that would be taken care of by someone else or was unnecessary in the process. This happened on multiple occasions. We were required to create 4 unit plans to be submitted for our accreditation visit when the accreditation process only called for one - often making an extremely stressful job even more so. It was an unnecessary burden; a gratuitous strain that added nothing to the process, especially considering the fact the IB consultants looked at my binder for less than 2 minutes. It was a skim-through and that was that.

The IB coordinator came to work many days sluggish and highly emotional - likely from events in her personal life. She was given the freedom, space, and privilege to bring her grief to work with her every morning. It created a very stressful work environment. Meetings with her were often emotionally exhausting as they could end in crying fits, or her frustration over not having something complete that was never clearly articulated to be done in the first place. Files in the online database were moved, copied, and deleted repeatedly - rendering an already stressful process more stressful. Numerous teachers voiced their complaints about this process and the toll it took on them to both myself and the administration. I made those insufferable conditions aware to the administration several times - speaking on behalf of not only myself but for other teachers - particularly the new teachers (My role as “dean of culture” called for me to support new teachers where I could). The director specifically acknowledged the stressful conditions that the IB coordinator had made - yet did not alleviate this stress or address the problem.

The closer we got to IB authorization, the more unbearable the process became. Despite my many warnings that teachers were overworked, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable with the pace of the accreditation process, our wants, desires, and needs as a staff was ignored and as a result, our collective mental health wellness took a tool. We were granted IB status in a matter of a few months at a terrible price to the mental and emotional well-being of the kcc teachers. I can tell you right now: we were not prepared for that visit. I lied about the process. I lied about enjoying working with my fellow teacher sara ludlam. I told the children straight up, "Look here: we got company coming. Act like you got some sense so we can get this accreditation." The kids put on their best smiles and lied their way through that process. We earned IB authorization under duress, stress, forced deadlines, and at the expense of the school's academic rating and teacher's well-being. It was not a concern of this administration or district officials. That was the troublesome reality of being a teacher at this “school.”

The entire IB process was not about making students global thinkers. The IB process was not about making sure that children were international learners or conscious curators of culture who were equipped with the global knowledge to converse with anyone from every walk of life as I envisioned. The IB process was not about exposing children to cultures around the world and centering other cultures. For the administration and the district, the IB process was all about the bottom line and the aesthetic of culture - as long as it looks the part, it doesn't have to be the part.

The Superintendent told us plainly that an IB school in the area made kcc more competitive than the other charter schools opening in the area. Nobody competes with a D school - let me just say that. Let me also say that the school grade was NOT a reflection of the students. 80% of my students passed their state exams. The D was a direct result of poor leadership, poor decision making, poor resource management, and teacher burnout I did not understand why any parent would want to knowingly put their child in a D school - regardless of IB status - if other alternatives existed. It did not matter that we were a “D” school with no clear direction on how to turn things around from him or the administration. To be clear, I never saw a school improvement plan, nor was provided any explanation for how we planned to turn our school around. Up until I left, we only had one conversation about student data as a school. Just one in the first 18 weeks of school. During the 2018-2019 school year, we didn’t have a single meeting regarding student data or provided a “game plan” for testing, performance, or building a strong testing culture.

I asked to be a part of that process as I felt my influence among the students could go a very long way in improving our school. I inquired about the school improvement plan process and pushed to know why all teachers were not involved. I asked that the process be made known and teachers are involved in the improvement process since the implementation and execution of any plan’s chance for success rested with the teachers. Both requests were denied in a meeting before the school year began. I was told the school improvement process did not involve teachers and was an endeavor that was the sole responsibility of the director. If a school improvement plan did exist, the teachers of kcc had absolutely nothing to do with it - rendering it effectively null; kcc administration did not have the buy-in from the student body or many on the teaching staff to effectively carry out an improvement plan without their input.

It didn't matter that KCC had an abysmal teacher turnover rate- I am somewhere around the 18th to leave in two years between the two campuses that have a total of about 40 teachers between two campuses. It also did not matter that teachers were crying and having migraines over the stress of IB. There were many nights where I fell asleep in my IB binder. Teachers complained about getting emails and text messages regarding IB late hours of the evening. The deadlines were non-stop for nearly two years straight. Teachers complained of going to bed with headaches. Teachers complained of waking up with headaches. Still, overwork, under-resourced, and emotional disregard were at the foundation of my kcc experience.

Second Hand Trauma

In February 2019, the stress of IB and an upcoming visit from the "kcc board" at the end of the month had me losing sleep and experiencing terrible mood swings mostly taken out on my students. All teachers were told was that “the board” was coming to do a walk-thru in preparation for Black History Month. I had taken on the role of the Black History Month coordinator because I wanted to give the kids something special. It was the first time in my 13 years that I would have the opportunity to be a teacher during Black History Month.

A few weeks before they were to visit our campus, I requested to meet with the administration to discuss my performance as of late. February 2019 was the first time I began to experience the toll of what I know is both the demoralization of me as a Teacher and my constant exposure to the secondhand trauma of my students. I disclosed this both the director and assistant director that I was drowning financially and emotionally. I made it known to the director and assistant director that I begin to lose the ability to stay motivated to the work. I was overwhelmed with IB, deadlines, student problems, financial stresses, and I felt myself slipping into a very dark state.

I didn't have a name for it then but I knew that I was experiencing all of the very same negative emotions my students were bringing to me on a consistent basis. Regulating my emotional intelligence became increasingly more difficult. I started having difficulty sleeping and would often arrive to work as late as possible in an attempt to avoid student interaction. When students grieved, I grieved. When students were depressed, I was depressed. When students brought talk of suicide to me, I went in the bathroom and cried. I was overwhelmed with constant barrage of other people's trauma that I did not know how to cope or how to deal.

The director heard me out and referred to me as a “Hot mess.” I laughed it off but internally, the wall went back up. It took me weeks to build up the gumption to share my struggles with this administration. I struggled with asking for help in my last teaching position and vowed to do a better job of making my emotional and mental health well-being known to my administration. I attempted to do that and was called a “hot mess.” The director offered nothing more than the expectation to “get it done.” I was not given a few days to collect myself. I was not referred to someone to talk to or seek help. I didn’t even receive empathy. Instead, I was met with the demand to “get it done.” This was a direct quote.

Baba Evil

The emotional toll, demoralization, secondhand trauma and overall pissy leadership finally caught up with me. When Black History Month came around, I was determined to give the students an awesome experience as it would be the first school-wide, month-long celebration. I was coming into the school some days as early as 6:00 AM and leaving as late as 8 PM some nights. I along with a few other teachers spent an entire Saturday (1 PM-10 PM) decorating and preparing the entire school for the month’s activities. As the month went on, the stress of everything else began to build up in ways that saw me taking out my frustrations on students.

I was short with students. I became extremely strict with students. I stopped smiling and singing in my class and instead delivered cold, emotionless lessons to students. I discontinued all Birthday celebrations, class celebrations, I became the very teacher I fought so desperately not to be for 13 years. But the truth of the matter was, my mental health was taking a beating, I was drowning financially, my mood was becoming increasingly volatile - and my administration knew firsthand and allowed me to continue to spiral. After an infamous Valentine's Day 2019 (IYKYK), students began to secretly refer to me as "Baba Evil."

On Valentine Day 2019, students came to school with balloons and bears, candy and cards. Most of the school was adorning red - one of the few days they were allowed to dress in something other than their uniforms. When students began to pile into my room with all these things ornamental things, I snapped. I berated the class for dare celebrating Valentine's Day despite how poorly they treated each other every other day of the year. I scolded them for having the audacity to go to Walmart, buy candy and bears, and even wear red, but not be prepared with homework when I came to look for it. I referred my class as being phony, disingenuous , and fake. Baba Eric was gone. Baba E had entered the building. The level of anger, frustration, and animosity I unleashed on those children - on Valentine's Day of all days - is my one true regret as a teacher.

I never intended to be that type of teacher to children. I can honestly say, however, that my mental and emotional well-being at that time was in such disarray, that the only “control” I felt that I had over any situation were those that directly involved my students. The students did not deserve to see or receive that side of me. But I did not know how to cope with everything that was happening to me. The IB process on top of everything else further complicated any chance for well-being. This regret resounds daily.

Two days before the board visit, I told the administration I needed a half-day to pay a few bills in person. The truth was, I was so exhausted that I woke up the morning of February 26th and physically could not get out of bed. I laid in bed that morning and cried from about 8 AM until it was time for me to report to the "school" at noon. I don't know what was wrong, but I just could not get a hold of myself. IB was wearing me down. I hated teaching because it was no longer fun. My students did not like coming into my class and as a result, I did not like being in class.

I was pulled over on the morning of February 26th for committing a rolling stop violation. My insurance lapsed less than 3 weeks before but I had every intention of paying it March 1 when I got paid. I was pulled over two days before I was to reinstate my insurance. It was nothing but the grace that I did not get arrested. The officer who pulled me overtook my license and my tag and issued me two citations totaling more than $300. Adding to the $150 insurance penalty, $60 reinstatement fee, and $228 new tag fee, I found myself unable to get myself mobile again. I took everything I could carry out of my car and walked the rest of the way to "school." That ordeal began a snowball into a financial hole I am still climbing out of over a year later. To this day, I have still not been able to pay.

After I lost my license, I had to take Lyft back and forth to work which was running me upwards of $50 a day round trip. At its peak, I was spending nearly $800 a month just to get back and forward to the "school." When I expressed this financial strain of continuing to commute back and forward to a district official, her response was, “I’ll pray for you.”She offered to “ask around” regarding a car cool pool but never followed up and neither did I. I left that meeting understanding the type of people I was dealing with. More on this.

In retrospect, I should have offered my resignation from that company in February of 2019 as that is when I truly saw firsthand that this company only concerned itself with my labor and not my humanity. And the "Board visit?" A 3-minute walk-through of each classroom by the same dusty negroes that considered themselves "district members"

Still, I put up with it for the children.

Admittedly, I tried to resign three times last year. Before school started in August and again in October. The administration framed my resignation, not on their inability to meet my current emotional, financial, or mental health needs, but the significant impact it would have on my students. It was the first time in many times that they would employ emotional manipulation to get me to do the work of at least 4-6 people. The demoralization of teaching and the subsequent emotional toll turned me into someone and something I was not; a cold, unmotivated, evil person disguised as a teacher. The secondhand trauma had reduced my emotional discipline to nothing.The administration knew that I loved those children with everything I had and they used that against me every opportunity they got to keep me to stay in place and so I stayed for nearly two years - for them.

Until I had to leave.

For me.